Choosing Lanes on The Crooked Path
Life In The Fast Lanes
One of the most common causes of ongoing anguish, distress, and suffering is living in misalignment on our paths. When we don't know who we are, why we're here, or how we're uniquely designed to live, we often find ourselves moving in directions that leave us feeling empty, disconnected, and conflicted. Closely connected to misalignment is imbalance. When our lives drift out of balance, we are pulled even further away from who we were created to be and where we are meant to go. When we lose sight of who we are and why we're here, we naturally begin to drift. Where there is misalignment, imbalance is rarely far behind.
Misalignment and imbalance are two separate things, but they can have a cause-and-effect
relationship. Misalignment is heading in the wrong direction, and living contrary to your deepest values, purpose, and identity. Imbalance is the condition that develops because of that misalignment. Resulting in neglected relationships, workaholism, poor health, emotional exhaustion, and / or spiritual disconnection.
It is also a two-way street. Imbalance can cause misalignment. When you neglect the important relationships in your life (spouse, partner, children, friends...), when you constantly are working the late hours or 80 hour weeks, when you neglect your health, when you drive yourself to exhaustion, and when you are disconnected from your soul... That imbalance will cause you to be misaligned.
Look at it this way... Misalignment answers the question, “Am I on the right path?” and imbalance asks, “Am I walking that path in a healthy and sustainable way?” This distinction is important. You could be walking an aligned path but be temporarily out of balance. It will happen. We all will go through demanding seasons, where even the most aligned path will have to juggle priorities. And then, you could be walking a balanced path that is misaligned. Stuck in your comfort zone and living a limited life without purpose or meaning. A path that is both aligned and balanced is where flourishing is most likely to occur.
Alignment Determines Direction, While Balance Determines Sustainability
Both alignment and balance matter. Direction determines your destination, and because of that, alignment remains most important. But once aligned, balance becomes vital. You can quickly become misaligned if balance is not negotiated effectively.
If it isn’t already apparent, many people who sit down and go through the experience and process of writing their mission statement, or at least identifying what matters most to them, will come to the absolute and agonizing conclusion that they have been neglecting important areas of their lives. They see that they have spent incredible amounts of time and energy in certain areas, at the expense of others. Many of us are conflicted. We feel split, divided, and undecided about what we should be doing and how and where we should be spending our time. So many areas of our lives compete for our limited time and attention.
These areas of our lives are in reality, roles. Hats that we wear as we follow our paths. Roles that we have in this play called life. Every one of us occupies multiple roles throughout our lives. We may be a spouse, parent, friend, leader, employee, business owner, volunteer, or coach. We also have the lifelong responsibility of caring for ourselves physically, emotionally or socially, mentally, and spiritually. Each role carries unique responsibilities, and each requires intentional investment. When we consistently neglect one or more of these responsibilities, imbalance develops. The consequences may not appear immediately, but over time they surface as stress, strained relationships, declining health, loss of joy, or a growing sense that something is not right.
One of the big problems that arises as we move along our paths is that we lose sight of the big picture. There is a natural relationship and interaction between all of our roles. If we are not careful, and especially when things get busy or hectic, our vision narrows and we tend to focus on what is right in front of us. That is when things can start to get out of balance. For example, we get busy at work, so we start cutting out the workout. We skip meals and start eating convenient or fast foods. As a result, our personal health suffers. We spend more hours at work, and important relationships, especially those relationships at home, suffer.
There are seasons in life where there will be necessary imbalance, where one role grabs the
majority of your attention. Such as when there is a new baby in the family... When an entrepreneur is launching a new business... Or when there is an illness in the family. In those instances, disproportionate attention has to be given to one role compared to everything else.
But after being out of balance, a healthy life or path tends to seek a new equilibrium. We need to participate consciously in that process. Things rarely return to the way they were. There will be a new normal which, on an aligned path, is growth. This new equilibrium will look different than before. For example, becoming a parent will permanently change the configuration of your roles and their relationships along your path. Not only is becoming a parent a new role, but it will change the nature and interactions of all of your other roles, such as spouse, friend, and employee. An illness in the family will result in a reassignment of roles and responsibilities as the person who is ill convalesces. Some of these changes may end up being permanent.
Balance is an undeniable truth. There is evidence of that all around us, such as the balance of the seasons and the balance of nature. Natural balance is the stable and healthy state where living things and non-living elements work together and provide a smooth and self-regulating environment which supports us all. Humans and animals breathe out carbon dioxide that plants need, and plants release oxygen which we all need to survive. There are so many other environmental and biological examples of balance in nature. As with any other undeniable truth, the most glaring proof of its existence are the consequences of the opposite... In this case, imbalance.
We can see how the interrupting of the balance of nature by humans has led to environmental and climate change issues. Deforestation, pollution, and the burning of fossil fuels disrupt the natural balance faster than any of the ecosystems can recover, resulting in far reaching ramifications. We have all experienced the discomfort of living a life that is out of balance. All of this affirms the existence, the significance, and the truth of balance.
Our Roles Are Part of Who We Are
Our roles naturally flow from our mission. Once you have done the work to define what matters most and, even better, to formalize your mission statement, your roles will become abundantly clear. Your mission describes the larger contribution that you are here to make. And your roles are the primary ways that your mission gets expressed in everyday life. Your roles are actually avenues through which you can achieve the greater purpose in your life... Your True North.
Think of your path as a freeway or an Interstate Highway that has multiple lanes. The path,
or the highway, is your life. The destination is your True North, your purpose, or the person that you are becoming. That is where the path or highway is heading. The direction is where the path or highway is pointing... Towards True North. And the lanes are your roles and responsibilities.
Your roles are important as you move towards your purpose, but your roles are not who you are. They are part of who you are. Your roles are part of who you are at any given time, but they are not your identity. At your core, you are not solely a parent, a spouse, a coach, or a businessperson. You are not your job. Those are lanes that you travel in, so to speak. Your identity goes much deeper than any role. But your roles are significant in getting you to where you want to be.
The metaphor of lanes on our paths representing our roles captures realities that we all experience -
We don’t travel in every lane all at once.
Different lanes serve different purposes.
Sometimes lanes will merge.
There will be times when you exit a lane.
Many lanes eventually come to an end. Sometimes suddenly
Often the traffic in one lane is slow, while others move freely
Staying in one lane, or the wrong lane, for too long will cause problems
Straddling lanes can be dangerous
How Do We Nurture Balance in Our Lives?
Is it simply a matter of being skilled at changing lanes, so that we spend time in each one of them every day? It is not quite that simple. In fact, that is not even workable. While all roles contribute to our journey and where we are going, not every lane deserves the same amount of attention over a given timeframe. If you are neglecting your physical health, eventually every other lane will suffer. Likewise, if your marriage is in crisis or you are neglecting what is going on in the lives of your children. All of that leads to the seasonal nature of our paths.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven - Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a distinction worth making when we talk about our paths and lanes. Our path answers the question, “Where are we going?” The lane that we are in answers, “What role deserves my attention right now?”
Imagine someone who is driving on a freeway. You don’t look at all the lanes simultaneously. You are mindful of them, but you are focused on the lane that you are in. That is similar to our paths. A mom or dad at work doesn’t stop being a parent. But at that moment, their primary lane is their role at work and their responsibilities there. As they are driving home at the end of the workday, think of that as them changing lanes, and as they arrive home or as they arrive at school to pick up their children, it is as if they have successfully changed lanes. They haven’t become anyone different. But now a different role and responsibility deserves their attention. Balance isn’t spending equal time in every lane. It is knowing when to change lanes.
One of the biggest causes of imbalance may not be neglecting a lane altogether, but maybe
failing to change lanes properly. Failing to make the transition. For example, physically being at home, but mentally still being at work. Focusing on your career or business and not realizing that you are drifting away from your lane as partner or spouse. Retiring... Taking the exit ramp, so to speak... and having no idea where to go next. Being at work but having your mind on issues going on with your children, or the problems you are having with your spouse or partner. All of these aren’t necessarily failures of effort. They are failures of navigation.
What lanes are on your path? What are your roles? How do you go about identifying these roles? Some of our roles are inherited. Some of them are obvious. Others become apparent as we go through the exercise of developing our mission and identifying what matters most to us.
Here is a way of identifying your roles...
Start With the Obvious Roles – Ask yourself, “Who am I in relationship to other people (especially the important people) and the world around me?” Brainstorm ideas without judgment. Possible answers could include... Spouse or Partner, Parent, Son or Daughter, Brother or Sister, Friend, Business Owner, Manager, Employee, Leader, Coach, Mentor, Volunteer, Community Member, Citizen, Church Member, Caregiver... And don’t forget the responsibility that you have to yourself in terms of caring for your own Physical, Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual well-being.
Distinguish Roles from Activities – For example if you wrote Golf as a role, it really isn’t a role. It is an activity. But it could fall under the role of Friend, where golf is one way that your friendship is expressed. Or it could be an activity that you use to express your physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual health. Likewise, something like writing. Writing isn’t a role, but Author could be. This approach helps you cut down on your list.
Identify the Essential Roles – Once you have your list, ask yourself, “Which of these roles carry genuine responsibility in my life?” This is where your list will get much smaller. I suggest trying to get your list of essential roles down to about six. Anything more than that makes your path that more complicated. It is not as hard as you might think. Ask yourself these questions as you narrow down your list...
In which roles do someone, or something depend on you?
Does this role truly contribute to your mission?
What consequences would there be if you left this role off of your list?
Does this role contribute something important to your life or the lives of others?
Connect Each Role Back to Your Mission – How does your mission flow through each role? For example, if part of your mission is helping people grow and become their best selves, roles such as Parent, Friend, Coach, or even Author, would be significant. These aren’t just random compartments in your life. You can see how important they are in you working towards your mission. They are all lanes along your path that are heading in the direction that you want to go.
The act of reducing the number of roles is almost as important as identifying them. Otherwise, the whole exercise of identifying roles becomes just another form of complexity, instead of a tool for clarity. You should identify enough roles to represent your meaningful responsibilities, but few enough that they are manageable when setting goals and making decisions.
You may have identified more than six... Maybe much more. Some people will identify twice that or more. No problem. Here is what you should do -
Look for Overlap – Roles such as Mentor, Coach, and Leader could be combined under the heading of Leader or Leadership. Son / Daughter, Brother / Sister, and even Cousin could be combined under the heading of Family Member. Roles such as Author, Speaker, Content Creator, and Instructor / Teacher could be combined under the heading of Communicator, Influencer, or Educator. These opportunities to eliminate overlap by creating broader headings for similar roles lead to clarity and more clearly define these lanes and how they contribute and move you forward on your path.
Separate Roles from Activities – As previously mentioned, things like golf, exercise, writing, reading, and travel aren’t necessarily roles. They are activities through which other roles are expressed.
Ask Whether the Role is a Meaningful Expression of Your Mission – Is it a must have or a nice to have? Is it a frequent role, or infrequent? It may still be something that you enjoy or value, but it doesn’t necessarily deserve to be on your list of primary roles.
Ask Yourself What Would Happen if the Role Was Neglected – Would someone or something important in your life suffer if this role was neglected?
What you are doing is identifying the primary channels of contribution through which you move towards your purpose and True North. It is not a matter of cataloguing everything that you do. Once you have identified these lanes, you will have a manageable framework for establishing goals and making decisions that move you forward.
Six roles... Seven... It doesn't really matter. Make it manageable. Make it doable. The number is not the goal. Clarity is the goal. Some people may not be able to come up with six. Some might struggle to identify five. But if someone has identified, let's say, twelve primary roles, they really need to rethink that. The word “primary” starts to lose meaning when everything is primary. They need to think about how being all things to all people is costing them in terms of their health and their mission. You become a jack of all trades and a master of none. Misaligned, off course, imbalanced, stressed, stuck...
Think of all the roles that you have had in your life. Think of the lanes that have been on your
path. The lanes in which you have traveled. Roles that you have had since you were born. Roles that you acquired along the way. Roles that you once had, but they have dropped. Roles that you have right now. Imagine the roles that you might take on in the future. The lane that you arrived in when your were born. The lanes that were added to your path along the way. Lanes that have merged or come to an end. The lanes on your path right now, and lanes that are yet to appear. All have been, are, or will be part of your journey.
Our roles have a life cycle. Many lanes along our path eventually come to an end. And for those that remain or last long-term, they take on a different look along the way. Our responsibilities within those roles change. And the life cycle of our roles can tell us something about our personal and spiritual development. Often, they mirror our spiritual development.
There Are Roles That We Inherit – These roles appear when we enter this world or they are handed to us. For example... Child, Son/Daughter, Brother/Sister, Family Member... We don’t choose these lanes. They are part of the path that we are born into. The distinction between a role existing and our capacity to consciously inhabit that role is important. We receive roles at birth. We didn’t choose them and initially we have no responsibility within them. We are simply a son, daughter, brother, sister, or family member. Over time, however, our understanding and responsibility within that role develops, as we develop. A five-year-old son, a twenty-five-year-old son, and a sixty-five-year-old son occupy the same fundamental role. But they inhabit it very differently. Responsibility doesn’t necessarily arrive when the role does. That lane may be there, but you are not able to walk in it freely yet. In a sense, that lane may still be under construction.
There Are Roles That We Acquire – As we move along our paths, new lanes appear. We become a friend, student, partner, spouse, parent, employee, manager, business owner, leader, coach, volunteer, caregiver, author, or community member. Some of these roles are as a result of our choices. We choose our lanes. Others arise almost organically from the circumstances that we face. Partners can become spouses and then eventually parents. Employees get promoted and become managers, and then some take their experience, knowledge, and initiative and break out on their own to start their own businesses. Those who are leaders and with leadership skills can branch off in many directions, such as coach, volunteer, or community service.
We don’t just accumulate roles. We grow into many of them. Becoming a parent, for example, isn’t as simple as suddenly acquiring the label of parent. Even though that can seem like how it happens. One moment you are childless and the next moment baby arrives. But it is the gradual learning of what that role asks of you. And yes, you have at least nine months prior to prepare for all that as a parent. But there is nothing like learning as you go. New parents grow into their roles once baby arrives and will be that much more prepared if and when the next one comes along. Same thing with other roles. We learn, we adjust, we interact... And we become much better at navigating the lanes along our path as we move.
There Are Roles That We Outgrow or Release – Some lanes eventually disappear as we travel. You graduate, complete the course or degree... So you are no longer a student (in a formal sense anyway). You quit the job, so you are no longer an employee. You step away from coaching that team. That person recovers, so you are no longer their caregiver. Your children move out so your parental role as provider is done. You leave the leadership role you had with that company, group, or organization.
Sometimes we choose to leave a role on our own. Other times that decision is made for us. Oftentimes we decide this role has run its course and it doesn’t belong anymore or it needs some rework. There are some roles that we should drop. Some lanes that we need to get out of... But we don’t. And this is a way that imbalance can enter the picture. We continue to travel in an old lane because it has become a habit, routine, or it is just what we are accustomed to be doing. And we may not realize that it is something that we are no longer called to do. It is blocking us from what we could be doing. It is no longer helping us move forward.
There Are the Roles That We Currently Inhabit – At any specific point on our paths, there is a configuration of lanes. And not every lane deserves to have equal status. Some have different speed limits. Some are thruways. Some have construction. Some have obstacles. There may be dead ends. Some are the most efficient routes to True North at a particular time. It is important at this stage to know how to choose which lane you need to be in.
There Are Roles That Are Yet to Emerge on Your Path – Lanes that you are yet to encounter. Some will be predictable as you travel your path. From child to spouse to parent to grandparent, for example. There are others that evolve or that you discover that you may not have considered. Such as from employee to business owner to author to public speaker. We can see some of the road ahead, but not all of it. We go around a corner and all of a sudden there is a new lane or even an exit. Something that we never anticipated.
I see a connection between our roles, our lanes, and our spiritual development. The way that we acquire, inhabit, transform and release our roles are similar to the stages of spiritual growth.
Early in life we tend to inherit our roles and identities... We are given our lanes. We accept that this is who we are because this is who my parents and my family say I am. This is the lane that I travel in. But as we grow, we see other lanes and we think... Maybe this is who I am. Maybe I will try this. Eventually we consciously choose. This is who I am, and this is how I choose to inhabit this role. This is the lane I am going to travel in. Eventually, just like our spiritual maturity, we can say... This role is something that I have inherited. This is a lane that I have been placed in. But it no longer defines me. I don’t like traveling in this lane. And you decide to shift... Dropping that role or changing that lane.
Our Lanes Facilitate Our Spiritual Development
This happens in many different ways. You can learn about love... Especially unconditional love... through being a parent. You learn patience through being a caregiver... Responsibility through leadership... Forgiveness through our closest relationships... Compassion through friendship... Service through community... Courage through entrepreneurship... Letting go when a role comes to an end... And humility through all of these roles. These are qualities that they don’t teach you in school. They are acquired as you travel these lanes and steward these roles.
These roles form us. Once we finish any formal education, our learning is far from over. We are shaped by our lanes as we travel and navigate them. Ideally our roles and the lanes we travel affirm who we are as we keep both hands on the steering wheel with our mission statement in the forefront of our minds, but we remain open to their influence. We know that we can stay true to our mission regardless of any lane changes, redirections, or detours we may encounter.
Our roles may change... Our lanes may change... But there is something inside of us that never changes. And that is who we are. We have an unchangeable core, and once we discover that and define our mission, we can move with confidence towards our True North. Our lanes change, but our path continues. Alignment with our deepest values, purpose, and our soul provides the compass that helps us know which lanes to enter, when to leave, and which ones we are to exit completely and leave behind.
There is one lane or role that I have not mentioned as yet that is very important. It is necessary and it sustains every other lane on our paths. And that is the role of Self. The lane of self is where you care for and develop the person who travels in all of your other lanes. The Self Lane encompasses four dimensions.
Physical – Caring for your body. Including your energy, fitness, nutrition and sleep
Emotional – Concerning your emotional awareness, regulation, healing, and resilience
Mental – Nurturing your learning, curiosity, thinking, creativity, and intellectual growth
Spiritual – Faith, meaning, connection to God / Higher Power, spiritual growth, intuition, purpose
There are elements of these dimensions in every other role that you have, where your Self can be nurtured. For example, taking part in physical activities with friends. Attending training sessions at work. Having open and uplifting conversations with your spouse, even simply attending services as a member of your church.
The Self Lane is a dedicated role where you continually ask, “Am I caring for the person who I am becoming?” How am I looking out for me? It is like a dashboard or control center where all these dimensions are addressed and nurtured. It just makes the journey in the other lanes that much smoother. The well-being of the other lanes in your life becomes a function of how well you take care of yourself in the Self Lane.
A bonus here is that the lanes of your life become a feedback loop that reveal what needs to be developed in your Self Lane. For example, becoming a parent reveals so many things, such as the need to take care of yourself physically so that you can provide and even keep up with your young children. Changes in the workplace reveal new skills that you need to learn in order to perform your job or advance your career and where you have to develop mentally. Being triggered in our closest relationships reveal what we need to work on in terms of regulating our nervous system and healing from past trauma. And things that don’t go our way, failure, disappointment, lessons, or loss in any of our roles show us where we can grow spiritually. So our lanes not only affirm us, but they can reveal a lot about us, teach us, and serve as steppingstones for what to do next.
Taking Care of Yourself Doesn't Mean "Me First". It Means "Me Too". - L. R. Knost, Author
Your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual development is critical, as the quality of the
person that you are becoming affects every other lane that you travel in. You can’t sustainably neglect the lane of Self without it eventually affecting all of your other lanes along your path. It is the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on first in an aircraft. You cannot care for others or for the other areas of your life properly or sustainably if you neglect your own self-care. Include yourself in all of the love and care that you give.
If your physical health deteriorates, your role as Parent, Partner, Spouse, or Friend will suffer. The same goes for your mental or emotional health. If you stop learning or refuse to learn, you career will suffer. You will be out of touch with what is going on in the world and even right outside of your door. If your spiritual life is neglected, then you drift without a sense of purpose, meaning, or direction.
The Self Lane is foundational because you are the person traveling in all of the other lanes. Consider it to be the glue that holds all of the other lanes together.
As I write this, I have identified six lanes on my path. That number has fluctuated through the years, as have the responsibilities within those roles. Currently, my lanes are as follows -
Father / Parent – I have had this role for over thirty years and it will remain until the day I leave this planet. It has evolved from the responsibilities of being a new dad back in the day and being a caregiver, protector, and provider as my children grew from infants to toddlers. Then being a teacher, a guide, a coach and a boundary setter as my children developed into and throughout their teenage years. And now I am at the point where I am basically a peer, a consultant and hopefully a friend. Taking an interest in both my son and daughter’s lives and here for them when they need me. I also would include in this lane being a grandparent, as I just recently became one. And that might develop into a lane of its own one day.
Relationships – I just recently renamed this role and I don’t know if I am comfortable with this label or not. I do not have a spouse, partner, or significant other. I regard this lane as a catch-all for all of the other relationships in my life besides my children. That would include other family members, such as my brothers and their family. I also include in this lane my friends. Most people would have a separate lane for friends and one for family. At one point I did. But my relationships have evolved to the point where I believe including them together as one lane is more reflective of my life right now.
Author – Writing has become such a big part of my life right now. When I am not researching, I am blogging or working on my next book. So much so that it deserves a lane of its own. This lane did not exist just a few short years ago.
Life Coach – I refer to parts of my personal mission statement that relate to this role... “To be a Guide and a Model, not a Critic. A Light and not a Judge. To be Part of the Solution and not part of the problem.” and “To Uplift, Empower, and Honor Humanity. To Inspire Growth and Make a Positive Impact. To help others Rise to their Highest Potential, knowing that my Most Important Work and Contribution is Ahead of Me.” This role is continually evolving and expanding.
Leadership – There is some overlap between my roles of Author, Life Coach, and Leadership. These roles are still evolving and growing. But I see this as being part of my mission of inspiring growth and making a positive impact. Whether that be through my social media posts, my coaching, through my books or anything else that I write. Through public speaking opportunities or podcasting (still under development at this stage), and simply just showing up, speaking up, and living with integrity.
Finally there is my lane of...
Self – I address all four dimensions physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. How I have addressed these dimensions and how consistently I have, has changed through the years to the point where I touch all four bases pretty consistently today. Under self, I also include basic life activities such as household responsibilities, maintenance, planning, and administration. Some of these activities can be placed elsewhere, depending on what they are, but they have to go somewhere... So this is where they land for now. And really, doing those things that keep our lives and our homes in order ultimately contributes to our mental health. When you look at it that way, Self is an appropriate place for these activities to land.
Ultimately all of the roles or lanes that I have identified flow from my vision and mission statement (attached at the bottom). They can be traced back to things like Learning, Growth, and Evolution... Being a Guide and Model and not a Critic... A Light and not a Judge... To Uplift, Empower, and Honor Humanity... To Inspire Growth and Make a Positive Impact... To Help Others Rise... and my Most Important Work and Contribution being ahead of me. Shine My Light Brightly and Leave a Lasting and Positive Legacy.
My lanes flow from my mission, and yours should too. Whatever you determine your lanes to be, remember that they don’t define you. They give you places where you express who you are. And as we navigate our lanes, they reveal, refine, and strengthen that expression of who we already are. Our identity, who we are, and our mission should shape our lanes, and our lanes should affirm all of those things. They go hand in hand as you travel... The Crooked Path.
Try This Exercise -
Additional Documents -
AfterNotes 1 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybg_uZxdE0c - Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles.
AfterNotes 2 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3sMjm9Eloo - Life Is A Highway - Tom Cochrane
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