Joy And The Crooked Path

Joy To The World. All The Boys And Girls. Joy To The Fishes In The Deep Blue Sea. Joy To You And Me - Joy To The World - Three Dog Night

Not one baby is born into this world wondering “Am I enough?”, “Do I matter?”, or “Am I lovable?”.  All babies begin life with the same blank canvas.  Most births are joyous occasions, met with love and happiness.  Somewhere along the line, that can change.  

In his novel, “The Name of the Wind”, Patrick Rothfuss states -  

“When we are children, we seldom think of the future.  This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can.  The day we fret about the future, is the day we leave our childhood behind.”  

Many people grew up in dysfunctional families and have no idea how their childhood experiences are impacting and limiting their lives as adults.  There are many emotionally wounded children that are walking around in adult bodies, and this would explain many of the problems that we have in walking our paths.  If you are struggling, it may be due to faulty wiring received during your childhood.  You may have learned ways of coping that no longer serve you.  The good news is that you can rewire your brain.  A traumatized child may have always dreamed that someone would come and save them.  As adults, they must realize that the person that saves them is, in fact, themselves.

As a child, you should be protected, cherished, loved, and guided, but some children receive none, or not enough, of those necessities.  Education starts in the home.  It is there where children develop the attitudes and perspectives that either advance or erode their paths. Those things that either propel them forward or hold them back.  They don’t become what they are told to become.  They become what they are shown by their parents, by who their parents are, and by how they are treated and nurtured.  

Childhood should be joyful, in preparation for a joyful life.  If a child lives with joy, they are

more likely to grow to be happy, emotionally and physically healthy, confident, and loving.  They will have healthier relationships and friendships.  They will be grateful and fun-loving.  They will be much better equipped to follow their paths.   Joy is directly connected to your strength.

At some point during my childhood, I lost my joy.  In many ways, I was not a happy child.  I know I was happy at some point.  Up to some point.  But somewhere, I lost my joy.  My despair became more apparent as I became a teenager.  During my adolescence when everything, and it seemed everyone, was changing.  Needing new friends...  Being bullied at school...  Disappointments in my life...  Storms in my home...  Feeling unloved...  And then there was that night when things changed.  I felt what I can only describe as a calling on my life.  A calling that things didn’t need to be this way.  While lying in my bed that evening, I called out, “Why are people so mean to each other? Why can’t people be kinder?  How hard can that be?”.   I described that event as the start of my journey to search for answers.  An awakening.  Swearing that I would be different.  Looking back, I believe a big part of my quest was to find happiness.  To find joy.  A noble and worthy pursuit, but not as easy as I thought.  Especially if you are seeking your joy through the wrong things.   

The moment that you start asking those questions, or similar questions regarding your path like, “Who am I?” or “What am I really doing here?”, you are calling on a higher power (God, the Universe...) to provide answers.  And that is the beginning of a spiritual awakening.  That was the start of my journey to find my authentic self. 

It Is Not So Bad Being An Outsider, Except When You Are A Child And So Desperately Want To Fit In

It is not so bad being an outsider.  I have learned that now.  It is not so bad being an outsider except when you are a child and so desperately want to fit in. Trying to make sense of things.   That discontentment I was feeling at the time...  that incongruence...  was life calling me forward from within.  Saying, “The answers are out there...  Go find them”.  It would be the first of many times I would hear that call over my life.  The moment you start asking questions, the Universe starts to make moves all around you.  Moving things and people in and out of your life.  Opening doors, closing others, and clearing paths.  But of course, not according to our timing and schedule.  Not in the order and way we would like.  And often unrecognizable to us.  So, we miss cues and opportunities.  Of course, we want a quick fix.  We want the answers and the journey to be easy and obvious.  But that is not the way it works.  Life is a Crooked Path.  

To follow your path effectively, you need your joy.  Without joy, you lose your strength.  You will be weak.  Weak in terms of your desire, motivation, direction, and decision-making.  You are easy prey to get off track, discouraged, overwhelmed, upset, and burdened when you don’t have joy.  With joy you remain strong.  Encouraged.  Motivated.  Looking at the possibilities and being able to problem-solve and make better decisions.  You will be better equipped to deal with obstacles and setbacks when, and as, they occur.   

As I set forth on my quest to find joy, I was ill-equipped.  First of all, I was coming from an environment of lack.  I was dwelling on what was wrong, and what I didn’t have in my life.  That was my mindset.  As long as I kept that mindset, those dominant thoughts would hinder me as I tried to move forward.  It would prevent me from looking positively at all of the possibilities and would limit my alternatives.  I would be easily discouraged.  I was quick to feel ”less-than".  

Being a year and a day younger than my older brother, I would often be living in his shadow.

 I would get his former teachers and would inevitably be compared to him and be expected to live up to the same standard.  This was not necessarily a bad thing.  I usually didn’t disappoint when it came to my scholastic abilities.  We were pretty much on par.  Often, I would get mistaken for my brother.  Teachers would call me by his name.  It got to the point where I was used to responding to either my name, or his, which was Bill.  It was just quicker and saved explanations and embarrassments.  Or so I thought.  

I recall one incident clearly.  It was a Computer Science class in Grade 11.  That grade was also one of the most difficult of my life, as I struggled for meaning and to find my identity.  I will keep the name of the teacher to myself, but he was a popular teacher who I believe was well-liked.  There was a classroom discussion going on and I was feeling uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the topic, so I wanted to join in. I put up my hand to give an answer, ask a question, or simply take part in the conversation.  The teacher looked in my direction, and said, “Yes, go ahead Bill”.  I started to speak, and the teacher said, “Wait.  I didn’t ask you.  I asked Bill”.  It turned out there was someone named Bill sitting behind me.  I apologized and explained that teachers often call me Bill because of my brother, so I answer to both.  The teacher paused.  Looked at me stone-faced and said...  In front of the whole class... “Wow, you have some inferiority complex”.  I felt my face flush.  I shrunk into my chair.  I had just been labeled.  I had just had everything that I was feeling confirmed.  The teacher never chuckled or said he was just kidding.  He didn’t pull me aside at the end of the class and apologize.  I never put my hand up again in that class.  I walked away after that class thinking that is what I am.  Inferior and not worthy. 

You Better Find Somebody To Love - Jefferson Airplane

I would look for quick fixes.  And for me, like many people, those quick fixes would be trying to achieve joy and happiness through the wrong things.  Examples of these things would be acquiring or purchasing things that you feel will make you happy.  Impulse buying.  And even worse would be seeking your joy through other people.  In particular, thinking that you will be happy once you have that special someone in your life.  Someone to love and someone to love you back.  You cannot achieve lasting joy through other people, or through things.  You must find it within yourself.  Anything else is just a quick hit.  It feels good at the time, and maybe for a while, but the effect does not last.

Your inner critic blocks your joy.  Your inner critic is the biggest obstacle to you experiencing

joy in your life.  When you are constantly making yourself small and picking yourself apart, you are preventing joy from entering your life.  And that is how I felt for much of my teenage years.  I would not be quick to laugh.  I was inside my head a lot.  Wondering what people were thinking.  Wondering what they were thinking about me.  I was reluctant, and sometimes unable, to get involved in many conversations because I felt I had nothing to contribute, felt that what I had to say was not important, and often could not keep up with what was being said because of these thoughts that were filing through my head.  Yes, this affected my ability to relate to many people socially at the time.  I needed to feel safe.  I felt threatened in many social situations.  Not threatened physically.  Just threatened in the sense that if I opened up my mouth, I would be laughed at or disregarded and ignored.  I needed a safe place, and I would find that occasionally.  I deeply appreciated when someone would come up to me and sincerely show an interest in me and what I had to say.  Someone who would ask me something and really listen and engage and cause me not to feel judged.  Someone who encouraged me and was patient with me.  Of course, almost one hundred percent of the time I was not being judged, but that is how I led myself to feel.   

Just to be clear, I was not a downer for my entire teen years.  I did laugh and have fun but my mindset was one of inferiority and unworthiness.  I remember really wanting to have a girlfriend.  I believed that would make things better.  Everything would be good. The thing was, with me being awkward socially, it is not as though I was real great at approaching someone and asking them out.  So the struggle would continue.  During that era, and even stretching into my adult years, when things were progressing in my life, people would come up to me and say, “Smile!” or “Why so serious, Jim?”.  I didn’t even realize I looked serious.  But that was my mindset.  What goes on in the inside manifests on the outside.  No wonder I had difficulties moving forward on my path.  But the calling on my life remained. 

So many people have difficulties on their paths because they block their joy.  You will find that your life can only go forward in proportion to how stable you are inside.  If you don’t have joy, even in the little things, the big things in life that you desire won’t find you.  We were brought into this world to be joyful.  We were not meant to end up defeated.  When you are feeling defeated, that is life changing who you are.  That is you letting life change who you are.  You have to go back to a place, or even get to a place, of being joyful, passionate, and confident. 

You Are Meant To Do What You Love. You Are Meant To Do What Sparks Joy In Your Life

It is time to get your joy back.  When you are joyful you are set on a higher timeline.  That doesn’t mean that you won’t have problems, obstacles, and issues to face.  But with an attitude of joy, you will be better able to deal with them. 

So how do we get joy in our lives.  How do we get our joy back if we have lost it?  Stuff doesn’t make you happy.  I was well provided for as I grew up.  A roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.  I had almost all the material things I could ask for, provided to me as a child.  Not unconditionally, mind you, as I was taught proper values.  I bought my first car when I was twenty years old.  Brand new with cash.  I loved my car but was still unhappy.

Relationships don’t make you happy.  I finally attained what I thought was joy when I met the first love of my life.  Her name was Diane.  Who doesn’t remember and treasure their first love?  I still remember how it felt meeting her finally in Grade 12.  Taking her to my graduation and being together for about nine months.  But most first loves are doomed to failure, as this one truly was.  As quickly as it started, it eventually crashed and burned.  But how can love last when you don’t know what love is, and you don’t even love yourself? 

Accomplishments don’t make you happy.  I graduated from High School, University, I started

my career, and I still wasn’t happy.  Status doesn’t make you happy.  I have seen top students, people who are on the fast track in their careers, sports stars, and movie stars that may appear like they have it all, but they are really in despair.  We have everything in our comfort zones and are still not happy. 

Many of us spend our lives hoping for a time when we have everything we want and life is free of struggle, but that time never comes.  Happiness is finding joy and gratitude despite life’s ups and downs.  And joy is the one thing that ties all of these things that we would like in our lives together.  Without joy, relationships, accomplishments, status, and all of the “stuff” are empty.  But with joy, we can attract all of those things that we desire into our lives and more.  

You Are Meant For An Amazing Life

You are meant for love and everything that you desire.  You are meant for a fulfilling career, fulfilling relationships, and a prosperous and joyful life.  And you can make it happen.  But you have to accept that it is possible, and that it is your responsibility.  You need to step into your power.  If you are going to lead a joyful life, you need to be proactive.  You can’t wait to see how you feel.  You have to intentionally make the decision each day to be joyful.

Troubles will come.  Difficulties and hardships will come.  But you have to keep your joy despite all of that.  And that goes against our intuition.  It is natural to feel discouraged or troubled when we face obstacles, and when things go wrong.  But that is when you have to dig down deep and be determined to find your joy, and not give it away.  It is easy to be happy when things are going your way.  When doors are opening for us effortlessly. 

The test comes when someone treats you poorly.  When things are not going your way.  Those things make it tempting to get discouraged and lose any passion that you have.  But being joyful is what is going to cause you to overcome any difficulties.  If you face adversity discouraged, upset, and defeated, you will not have the strength to move forward on your path.

If Joy Is So Important, How Do You Get It? How Do You Keep It? How Do You Get It Back?

We all came into this world joyfully.  Somewhere along the line many of us lost it.  Research has shown that the most effective way to cultivate joy in our lives is to practice gratitude.  The key word is practice.  It is not just about feeling grateful.  It is about having an observable practice.  So often we think that joy makes us grateful, when in actuality it is the other way around.  It is gratitude that brings us joy.  The practice and action of gratitude results in the feeling of joy.

The most grateful people are the ones who exude positivity.  They have the positive outlook.  They look at the best in things, and the best in others.  They believe and focus on the possibilities.  They let their light shine brightly.  Their Aura of Impact shines and expands.   

Negative people block their joy.  There are toxic things that will block or limit any joy in your

life.  Things like complaining, criticizing, fear, and worry.  The way you may talk negatively about people.  An overall negative outlook on life.  These are toxins that beat us down.  They can actually create disease.  They truly are toxic.  If you want to know what you can remove from your home that is toxic, don’t look in the medicine cabinet, under the sink, down the basement, or in the garage.  If you literally remove any negative approach to your life, your life will be less toxic, and you will experience so much more joy. 

I think of my father-in-law and how he was so locked in to negativity, and the negative effects he had on his own health, and the emotional well-being of his own family.  We literally manifest joy or negativity in our lives.  Our thoughts become our reality.  We are manifesting all of the time.  Whether it be positive or negative.  Through our thoughts, through our feelings, through our words, through our stories and through our beliefs.  We manifest from our dominant thoughts.   

Energy creates energy.  Like attracts like.  Negative energy attracts more negative energy.  So, you must ask yourself, where are your thoughts?  Where are your feelings?  What are the stories that you tell?  What do you repeat?  What are your habits and patterns?  It all matters.  What we see becomes our reality, and we align with those things.  We selectively disregard those things that are not in alignment with those things that we think and believe.  Negativity will block joy from your life.  But you are in control of all these things that I just mentioned.  Be in control of your thoughts, words and feelings.  Change your stories and watch your life change.  

You Need To Be Happy On Purpose

Especially if you are coming from an environment and mindset of lack and unhappiness.  You have to be intentional with being grateful.  Happiness is a choice.  Gratitude can shift your entire life.  You are literally shifting your reality.   Start small.  Your gratitude doesn’t have to be for big things.  When you wake up in the morning, be thankful for even just one thing.   Feel a profound gratitude for waking up.  That’s a start.  Each morning is a new day.  A new beginning.  The sun always rises, and so should you.  The sun is there regardless of whether it is a cloudy day, and it eventually will break through the clouds.  Let your gratitude do that for you despite any negativity that you have been feeling.  Be grateful that you have been given another day to make your life exactly the way that you want it to be. 

Gratitude builds from the smallest things in your life.  Think of those things that are in your comfort zone.  Not those things that are holding you back, but the ones that truly give you happiness.  Those people and things that you love.  Those things that you live for.  Focus on gratitude and you will have more to be grateful for.

When you are stuck in a negative loop of thinking, it is hard to make the positive thoughts

shine, because the negative thoughts are always there pressing them down.  Without any change in your thinking, you will be stuck in that negative loop, and today will be a repeat of yesterday.  Be intentional with practicing daily gratitude.  Connect to one thing that you are grateful for and hold on to that sensation.  Whatever and whoever that might be.  A person...  A pet...  A situation...  Go for a walk outside and look for beauty.  Connect to the sensation of gratitude.  Focus on it.  Hold onto it.  The more that you practice looking for things to be grateful for, the longer you can sit in the feeling of being grateful.  This will create a more positive environment in your mind and start to rewire your brain.

When my in-laws would come to visit Lori and I, often John would be stressed about something, but one thing that would distract him from his negative feelings was our cat, Mitzi.  He would play with him, or have him on his lap, and John actually became happier and more relaxed.  Animals have that effect on many of us.  Same thing when we had children.  John would be caught up in the joy of being around his grandchildren when he would come over.  After leaving, he would eventually return to his old negative mindset.  But he never put in the constant and intentional effort to see things differently.  He continued to see things negatively, and that was his reality. 

When I was a teenager and in my first few years of university, I didn’t practice gratitude.  There were things in my life that I was thankful for, but I didn’t dwell on those things.  I don’t think you would necessarily call it taking things for granted.  Maybe I was. Things like my health, my family, my friends, my car, my job, my home and even our family dog.  It is like all those things that were part of my life, I assumed would always be there.   Either way, none of those things, even if they were in my comfort zone, were making me happy.  I was looking for joy in all the wrong places.  I would not feel truly happy again until I met Lori.  Once more I was seeking happiness through someone else, and that never is sustainable.

It's A Beautiful Day. Don't Let It Get Away - Beautiful Day - U2

You don’t know what you have got until it is gone.  I learned that when my mother passed away when I was twenty-three and just starting out on my career after graduation from university.  So, practice some regimen of gratitude.  Start each day that way.  Be grateful for your life, even if you are not where you want to be.  Even if it is not perfect.  Be grateful that you can make it the life you want.  You are alive and breathing, so you have that ability. 

What you focus on controls your life.  What do you focus on?  Do you focus on things you have, or things that you don’t have?  When you focus on the things you have, and show gratitude for them, that can enhance the sensation of abundance.  If you focus on the things that you don’t have, you start sitting in the sensation of scarcity.  You are lacking the things that you desire in your life.  Either one becomes your predominant mindset.  Abundance or scarcity.  Focusing on what you don’t have can also be a motivator, but only if you have an abundance mindset 

Also, are you focused on the past, present, or future?  Living in the past, dwelling on mistakes, and not being able to let go of what happened will affect your mood in a big way.  If you are focused too much on the future and what has not happened yet, that can cause anxiety.  But if you focus on the present, and what you have right now, you will feel much more in control and have a healthier state of mind.   

Finally, do you focus on things that you can control, or those things that are out of your

control?  Do you focus on your Aura of Impact or your Aura of Irrelevance?  Focusing on those things that are within your control... Where you can make a difference...  Is empowering.  Focusing on gratitude so that you can increase your joy is within your control and within your Aura of Impact.  When you focus on things outside of your control...  Those things in your Aura of Irrelevance...  You feel powerless, and that increases stress, anxiety, and frustration.  

Life will get exponentially better for you if you focus on the good in your life.  The things that you are grateful for.  Those things that bring you joy.  Pull your energy away from those things that distract you and bring you down.  Joy gives you strength for your journey.  It is a higher vibrational frequency.  This isn’t about flooding your life with toxic positivity.  Living in denial and believing that everything is great despite reality.  It really is about deciding how you want to feel.  How you feel is directly correlated to your vibration.  Focus on those things that bring you joy, and you will attract even more joy.  Like attracts like.  Remember that.  It is very important where you focus and put your emotional energy.  Gratitude will lift you out of the darkest of places.  Invest your emotional energy into the places and spaces that you would like to grow  

Once I had met Lori, I would then be more able to find joy through other things.  This helped me move forward, although imperfectly, as I still did not know who I was, what I truly wanted, and what was waiting for me around the bend on my path as my journey continued. 

I have learned to have a practice of gratitude in my life each day.  Each morning when I wake up, and before I fall asleep at night.  And if nothing else I find my life to be much more peaceful.  And yes, as I give thanks, I find I have much more to be thankful for.  

Each morning is a new day.  Rejoice and be glad.  Move forward on your journey with a smile on your face.  And I will see you joyfully on The Crooked Path. 

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Check Your CPS (Crooked Path System) - From time to time, I will include an activity that compliments the content of my blog. My intention is to help make what I write more meaningful to you, and help you relate to your own personal journey.

Just as we have become accustomed to checking our GPS to keep us on track, see where we have been, and consider the path forward, I encourage you to check your CPS. It will help you Make That Change

Joyful On Purpose.pdf

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AfterNotes - Joy To The World - YouTube - Three Dog Night